Well, it's been a long time.  Life has been pretty decent lately.  Financially, we are doing okay as we've made some great changes to the way we do things.  We are on the same page and what a blessing it has been.  Chris and I differ greatly on our needs/wants, which has caused a lot of tension throughout our marriage.  Now, instead of looking at each other as WRONG, we are just saying we are DIFFERENT, and that's OK!!  It's been very freeing for the both of us to just enjoy who we have been made by God to be.  It's been an awesome place the last month, or so.  Another big change has been Wesley's diagnosis with Asperger's Syndrome.  It's an neurological disorder that makes him a very unique member of our family.  He sees life a bit differently, and we are reading up and learning more about the way he thinks and what a difference UNDERSTANDING makes in our relationship with him!  People who don't understand have very little grace and tolerance.  We are better people because of our son.  He is an awesome kid.  I am looking forward to homeschooling him this fall.  I love my kids and even though things were very crazy for the first 8-10 years (out of 12!), i have come to a place that I am more in love with them and my husband than ever before!  The cloud of chaos has lifted and I'm becoming more of who I am again.  I was lost in there for a long time.  I wasn't able to be who I was made to be because I had to be someone else just to make it through the day.  I feel like I'm happy again.  Truly, truly happy.  I am accepting what life has thrown at me and there is a peace that comes with that.  I don't know what tomorrow holds and if Wesley will get worse before he gets better, but I know that God is faithful and will give me what I need to make it through.  I've been through a lot of things that many of you will never know about, but I've made it out alive and stronger.  I'm more compassionate, more understanding, more confident.  I'm glad.

as i enter a new year, i am reminded of all that i have been through my 31 years of life on this earth. i'm thinking mostly of my life from age 19, when i got married, until now. it's not turned out quite like i expected it to. i truly expected parenting to be easy, as long as i was consistent. well, God blessed me with a child who has asperger's syndrome, sensory integration dysfunction and ADHD, and then identical twins born 14 months later! that threw that plan right out the window!!!!! no 2 days are alike and nothing is predictable. i expected marriage to be pretty easy as well (my parents made it look like a breeze!). well, we've learned that my significant other has sensory integration issues and ADHD as well. that has been interesting, to say the least:) couple that with all the moves we made early on, the transitions we put our kids through, etc. and it's been really hard for me to deal as well as i would like to. at the end of 2008 i was pretty sure i couldn't take it anymore. i was done. life is just too hard!!

i'm thankful that God never leaves me or forsakes me. He has really given me what i need these last few days. i've been so encouraged through praying with a "mentor", lunch with a dear friend, and "the wild goose chase" by mark batterson. i feel empowered to keep on keeping on. yes, life is hard. i know there are millions of people out there who have it WAY worse than i do and would find my problems petty compared to theirs. they would probably trade with me if they could. in light of that reality, i will finish this note with encouragement for you, who maybe one of those whose struggles are more overwhelming than mine could ever be. God is good and YES, HE DOES GIVE US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE! but not to crush us, but to show Himself faithful, powerful, more than able! to show us that WITHOUT HIM WE CAN DO NOTHING. i really love my Lord.

i know this will come across as whiny, rude, innappropriate, etc. to some of you, but i don't care right now.  i'm venting.  life has not turned out like i expected it to.  it's been much harder than i ever imagined, especially parenting.  oh, and being a wife.  i understand why some people never marry or why some married couples never have children.  it may be selfish, yes, but easier.  way easier.  so to all you selfish singles or married with no kids, enjoy it.  live it up.  spend all your money on yourselves, take your trips, go to bed whenever you want and drink the night away.  i'll be home being responsible for the lives of 3 individuals who i'm pretty sure are going to need counseling when they grow up.  okay, okay, i know that's not how it really is for most of us, but i'm in a very melancholy mood right now.